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Teaching Safety Skills - Stranger Danger is Not Enough

"I can't find my child" may be the most terrifying thought that a parent can experience. Fortunately for most of us, the fright is momentary and melts away as we catch sight of our child who has wandered away in a large store, or as we hear a familiar voice calling.

Fear of Separation Shared by Parents and Children

It seems that the fear of being separated from a child or having a child taken is one that most parents share. It is also a fear that our children share. Usually, we regard this unthinkable horror as something that could never happen to us, to someone we know, or even to someone in our community. It is, actually, unlikely to happen. Yet many of us recognize the names of Adam Walsh and Etan Patz and recently Danielle van Dam and Elizabeth Smart. These are all children who might have lived in our communities, children we all might have known.

Start Teaching Safety Early and Adapt Messages as Children Get Older

There are many things that adults can do to keep children safe and that children can learn to help stay safe. Abduction prevention skills should begin in early childhood. It is important to begin teaching safety early and to continue as our children grow older. Since the kinds of risks change with the ages of children, we need to change the messages to match their ages and activities. Recognizing this, New York State requires that abduction prevention be taught from kindergarten through the 8th grade.

Often, the idea of abduction brings to mind the image of an unsavory individual who lurks in bushes or tries to lure a child into a car with promises of some treat. However, we have done an excellent job educating children about these types of situations and relatively few of these result in kidnappings.

Predators on the Internet

In recent years a new type of risk has developed. This is the risk of children physically meeting someone they have "met" online. Predators are adept at using online resources to establish relationships with youth and lure them to meetings, placing them at great risk.

Abduction Within a Family

Abduction within a family is harder to talk about. However, of children who are abducted, most likely it is by someone they know, usually during a custody dispute or divorce. An abducting parent may be seeking revenge on the separated or divorced spouse or may believe that he or she is rescuing a child from an abusive situation. Whatever the reason, abduction, even within the family, is a crime and likely to harm to the child.

Skills to Teach our Children

How do we teach children to be safe while encouraging them to play and explore their worlds confidently? We do a lot of this naturally.

If children are separated from an adult, it is important that they know how to identify themselves and their family. Young children should learn:
- Their whole names
- The names of their parents
- Their phone numbers including area codes
- Their addresses including their town and state
Children should be taught to identify employees or security personnel they can turn to in malls, amusement parks and other public spaces.
Children should be taught to use 911 from a public phone. Being lost, separated or in an unsafe situation are all legitimate uses of 911. In Westchester County an individual making a 911 call can be located and police can be dispatched to assist a child.
For older children, select a meeting place in case family members become separated, but teach children not to leave the store, park or other site.
Discuss safe routes children can use when going from place to place in your community.
Know your children's plans.
Play a "what-if" game to teach children what to do if approached by someone they do not know. Adults who try to abduct children are very manipulative. They lure children to voluntarily go with them. Common lures include an offer to photograph a child for a modeling agency or a request to help find a lost pet.
Teach your children to keep their distance and to attract as much attention as they can if approached by someone they don't know. Children should try to run away - always toward people - and tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.
Notify the police. This is very important. A would-be abductor who fails is likely to look for another child.
Have a plan for how children get home from every activity. Teach your child not to change that plan without checking with you. This includes returning home from school or from any after-school and weekend activity. Even is someone a child knows comes unexpectedly to pick them up it is essential to check first.
If you have reason to believe that your child is particularly at risk clearly discuss with whom they can go. Be sure that school officials and leaders of any activity know with whom children can leave.
Teach children never to meet an online acquaintance unless you are there.

Prevention Works

There are many skills that we teach children to prepare them for situations we expect and hope they will never face. Just as we teach children what to do in case of fire, we should teach them what to do if we become separated in a public place or if anyone tries to take them from their home and family. Prevention works when we teach children skills and give them chances to practice skills through role-plays.

For more information please contact
Barbara Bernstein at 914-345-0700, extension 311
Or call our Information and Referral Service at 914-345-5900, extension 240
Or e-mail help@mhawestchester.org

For more information on resources for Positive Parenting see our "Links to Explore Elsewhere on the Web" at the end of our Positive Parenting home page.

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